Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

I know that you have issues that only you can deal with. Life’s lessons too often have to be dealt with inside one’s own heart and soul. You experience things acutely, sometimes to your detriment.

You are an enigma. You treasure the times that you are alone but in your heart so desire someone who compliments your longings.

You see couples in love and wish that were you in that snapshot. You desire at least one deep friendship. Why people who have what you desire and aren’t happy is a mystery to you.

Deep in your soul you know that only you can make you happy. Some are incapable for whatever reason to fulfill your dream.

Never doubt yourself. You are beautiful.

Above all, never lose hope or your dreams.

You, dear heart, are worthy.

Much Love,

Your Inner Woman

Dream on

Happy weekend my dear hearts. This has been a week of a few epiphanies for me. Two come to mind.

The first is one of self examination. It goes as follows…Does any anger I feel arise out of my frustrations? I’ve been giving thought lately that I deal with latent anger that manifests itself in ways that are not congruent with my standards of my femininity. I suspect that within my mind a mental volcano is about to erupt. It manifests itself with passive aggressiveness or spouting off without thinking. It really doesn’t matter if I’m provoked or not.

The second brings me to the focus of today’s entry, dream on. I balked for the longest time against the thought that people who should have no expectations in life. How could this be? Say I find someone attractive in some way. I should enter into their life to whatever degree and expect nothing. Really?!?!?! Then it hit me. Maybe I shouldn’t expect much if any of others BUT I can and should hope. After all doesn’t any hope we have involve dreams of some kind… I can dream that I’ll find friends. I can dream that Prince Charming will come along, whisk me off my feet and give me the love I crave. I can dream about many, many things. Dreams are positive, dreams are lovely and dreams lead us on. What if I have no dreams? I therefore have no hope because the two are intrinsically linked.

There are many who for one reason or another are in the abyss of despair. Dear hearts, please don’t give up your hopes and dreams. You never know when good things are on the horizon.

Hope for the hopeless, dream big dreams.

With Love,

Christina Reneé Kelley

Loneliness vs being alone.

Hi all,

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Much has been going on in my life, some good and some bad.

Despite your initial impression of the title I’m adding a positive view to it. Loneliness is life in a vacuum where being alone can be self imposed and fruitful. In other words in being alone one sets their boundaries and makes decisions based on their past life experiences and taking best advantage of their life and time. Time is limited and very precious. You only get one go round in this life and you have to guard it more than any possessions that you may have.

First we’ll touch on loneliness. I’ll be as brief as possible. One example will suffice.

About three weeks ago I went out with a couple. It was a poor decision on my part. The whole way to the destination I sat by myself in the back seat while the couple talked and talked about what seemed very banal to me. For approximately 45 minutes it’s like I wasn’t there. That’s the easy part. They proceeded to get out of the car leaving me by myself for what seemed like an eternity. It was an emotional time for me and I started crying on and off. After they did whatever they were doing they get back in the car. During some boring banter I told them I was sitting and crying. Instead of compassion I got what meant to me “so what” and they went on talking.

Now I move on to being alone. On and off I’ve pondered being alone partly due to the above situation. They say that people that choose to be alone can suffer physically and mentally from isolation. My spin on it is this. Bad company ISN’T better than no company. I don’t want someone calling me to do something knowing I’ve been called as a last resort. This will probably come off as sarcastic but I prefer not to being on someone’s to do list below watching paint dry. I have to have more self respect for myself.

In closing… I’m very blessed. I have my peeps that I can relate with at therapy, I have a nice house and three very precious kitties who love me unconditionally. For now that’s all that I need. I can choose exactly how I’ll spend my time. If I get bored I can go out for coffee. I’ve been sick the last week+ and have spent restful time alone without thoughts of being unimportant or being stood up. I have it good.

Love you all. Please feel free to leave a comment. I’m open to critique as well as love kudos.

With love,

❤Christina Reneé❤

Epiphany

In life at times we have epiphanies, things that figuratively hit us in the head with a sledgehammer.
Starting last night when I wrote my blog entry through today it has hit me.

My thought isn’t one of self-deprecation, low self esteem or just having a Christi pity party.
What I’ve discovered is that I lack relevancy or commonality with people in real life.
In therapy Friday we were asked what we learned and I stated that I haven’t painted my masterpiece yet. My best is long overdue and has not come to fruition as of yet.
What I’ve discovered, and this isn’t meant disparagingly toward others, but I’m on a different planet, so to speak, than others. I don’t say this to invalidate anyone. It’s just that we are in two different places.
I suspect that I have borderline personality disorder. I’m making progress on it but it makes it very difficult to have effective, intimate social interaction with others.
I often see things in black and white, not shades of gray. My assertions are either in category A or B. Sometimes my judgments are right and sometimes they are wrong. It’s unfathomable to me that people can’t see my view as having validity.
To encapsulate my thoughts is that I very careful need to discover what the truth really is and fuck the rest.
I love you all dearly
Christina Reneé Kelley

Unrequited passion

Good evening dear hearts. Much has happened since I’ve last written in what seems eons ago.

TBH not all has been what I dreamed transitioning would be. That’s not to say that there haven’t been many mountaintop moments.

I had never been under the delusion that my transition so far would be the proverbial bed of roses. This has without a doubt been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and will continue to go through.

My thoughts lately have been that in the process I’ve lost myself in some ways. I’ve given up things in my life that brought me joy over the years. The pressure has for the most part been self induced. Perhaps in my mind I felt I had to give up certain things to assert my femininity.

During deep soul searching this week I’ve discovered that I’ve developed a self imposed limiting of Christina Reneé. In the process I had given up things that brought me to where I am now. I’ve forgotten that what is probably more important to me than my female psyche is my personhood. In some sense I’ve limited myself.

In short I not only have an unrequited passion for the future but also the past.

I wish all my friends, the very dear hearted ones reading this, my very dearest hope for their future.

With deepest love,

Christina Reneé Kelley

P.S. I’ve decided at least for the present to take on my beloved Mother’s maiden name. Her sweet memory will always live on in my heart and in my soul.

Christina Reneé’s Birthday

Hi all! Happy weekend. I hope that everyone has amazing plans for the weekend. As for me I’m kicking back at home with my three fur balls.

Before I begin I’d like to preface my remarks. What is on my heart is a reflection of my own thoughts and observations about myself. I respect everyone’s rights to their beliefs as long as they harm no one.

Over this past week many thoughts have come to mind regarding myself. It isn’t my “birthday” in terms of birth date but a new understanding of what makes me tick, what I need in terms of fulfillment, etc.

I am a victim of mental illness which topped with being transgender along with the accompanying gender dysphoria presents certain challenges with a non transgender person could never understand. Its akin to me not being able to understand how other marginalized people feel. We can feel empathy but never get it.

This week has been a lesson in patience. I’ve gotten “nice earrings bro”, ” thank you Sir, amongst other comments. I do have to mention that I didn’t take deep umbrage as I’m not the most passable trans girl. I’ve also been dear named this week in a one on one convo that I had Wednesday night. I would have been deeply hurt if this would have been done intentionally and in front of others.

Which brings me to my “birthday”. I’ve realized things about myself that weren’t as clear to me before. This is where things get tricky. In some respects I’m a product of a largely bygone era. Here goes…

I consider myself a quiet, very sensitive and hate me for this if you must…submissive women. I’d prefer to being in a relationship, sexual, friends or romantic where others take the lead. I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been that way as long as I can remember. A slippery slope you may comment. Please let me elucidate.

In no way do I equate submission with being a masochistic doormat. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and can carry myself well in conversation with whoever. I won’t settle for abuse in any form.

I equate my submission with strength as I know how I feel and I control it. No one can take that away from me. I choose to give myself up.

As always I welcome comments, even opposing discourse.

With the greatest love given,

Christina Reneé ❤️

A Dark Night

I hope while you are reading this that your hearts and minds are light. I write this, not exclusively to my trans sisters, though my heart is closer to theirs.

I suffer through difficult bouts of anxiety, depression and low self esteem. Many hours of my day are filled with a depressive fog. What brings a smile to others sets me off to the verge of tears.

I go through what many in the lgbtqi+ community experience. Will I be accepted, loved, not feel so lonely. I see couples holding hands walking down the street feeling jealousy and envy. Will I ever find someone special to be in my life, someone to hold me while I cry? Am I doomed to a life of solitude.

For now my only hope to embrace my emotions and learn from, not be consumed by them. It’s going to require time and soul searching. I have to devote my energies to this.

With all this being said I wouldnt give up my feminity for anything. It is who I am, who I was meant to be.

To my dear friends and allies, you mean so much more to me than you’ll ever know. You are my kindred spirits in this journey that we call life.

With love,

Christina Reneé

My Christmas wish

   I could wax poetic, write an epiphany or talk forever. That will come later. Lol

   We come and go, shop, bake, travel to see loved ones, etc. Christmas music is everywhere we go. The credit card bills accrue, ad nauseum. 

  Joy pervades the air for many and that’s a good thing. I’m going in a different vein though. 

  Being an American I’m very blessed. I have food on the table, a warm house, on and on. For this I’m eternally grateful. 

  What I want to address is those who don’t have it so good. Be it the transgender kid who is spending Christmas Eve night on the street in Philly because his or her family can’t handle their “queerness”, the woman whose man in Chicago who has left her with three kids or the numerous children who will wake up in the morning to discover that Santa has “forsaken” them once again, I could go on and on. You get the idea. 

  The jist of my heart is this… As you sit with your loved ones during Christmas dinner could you take a moment to pray thankfully for your blessings and send good wishes for those of us who aren’t so blessed or fortunate? 

   I love you, my dear ones! 

Christina Reneé Rankins

First blog post

This is the excerpt for your very first post.